My Beginning

So, I feel compelled to provide some context, some background and some insight into what brought me here and why I am SO glad to be here. I also feel compelled not to bore everyone death with a long diatribe! In a nutshell, I am a perfectionist and control freak (aren't these just about the same thing?) care taker who, at 38, is yearning for authenticity. I've always been the successful one, the smart one, the achiever, the problem solver…and I've always carefully crafted my image so much so that I'm not really sure who the heck I am anymore? I was recently asked what my hobbies were and I chuckled at the same time had a tear in my eye - not only could I not answer the question, I really couldn't even identify what I would want my hobbies to be. Yeah, that was an "a-ha" moment for me.

For some context, I just turned 38 (birthday is 9/11), have been married for 7 years, have 2 wonderful canine children (a golden named Buddy and a german shepherd named Diva), and just recently bought a new house so my Mom could move in with us. I am well educated (Master's degree in Counseling, go figure) and grew up in a comfortable suburb of Philadelphia, have a younger sister who is completely opposite of me and we don't see eye to eye on anything. Professionally, I've worked really hard to be successful and am proud of where I am now. I work in Human Resources for one of the big Pharma companies and love the work that I do. During the day, I'm totally a corporate type (well, except for when I sneak away to pnn) but I can't wait to get home and put on my sweats and go for a walk in the park with my dogs! I tend to be very analytical and structural, organized and timely. I am a true Virgo. I also am not very spiritual, have always had a hard time with organized religion. I think some of it is not being able to "know" for myself if something is true - I tend to need to see, touch, feel something in order for it to be real to me (I'm sure this has to do with control).

About 6 months ago, I began another quest to understand myself better, figure out why I take such good care of others and tend to neglect myself. One valuable tool I have discovered so far is Geneen Roth's "When Food is Love", and then I found Brene' Brown's blog at ordinarycourage.com. Her work really speaks to me, as does the honesty and openness in the posts on her site. I ordered her book on perfectionism and shame and am in the midst of reading it - its difficult to confront the fact that perfectionism is typically a mask used to avoid judgment or shame - but I do believe this is true. I started a blog at http://authenticallyimperfect.blogspot.com/ and am working through the Read along for the book, in case anyone is intersted in joining?  I have a lot of fear around self acceptance, and what if "they" don’t like me when I'm being my "true" self, and doubt even at work "what if they figure out I don't really know as much as they think I know".

Finding PNN is feeling very special to me right now, as if I was "meant" to find it and it is here for me to reach out to, absorb myself in and learn and be part of the community. Its typically hard for me to open up to others but I do feel that this just might be a safe, trusting and nurturing place to do so. I look forward to learning more about the wonderful individuals here at PNN, and about myself in the process.

(I tried to email this post to pnn, but doesn't seem to be making it, so apologies if this posts twice!)