"I Thought It Was Just Me" Read Along - Chapter 2

Back in April, Brene' Brown graciously (and WHOLEHEATREDLY I might add) hosted a read along of her book on her website.  http://www.ordinarycourage.com/itiwjm-read-along/  While I missed that boat, I've been working through this on my own (at http://authenticallyimperfect.blogspot.com/)  Please feel free to join me in the journey!

I thought I would start to share my posts here!  Here's my most recent post on Chapter 2's podcast....

First, some thoughts that resonated with me. "Shame needs secrecy and silence to grow in a petri dish - empathy is a deal killer for shame". Yeah, I can totally relate to being silent and secretive about what I am ashamed of. I've always been slightly overweight, sometimes more than others :-), but I vividly recall one summer during college where I went on Nutrisystem and lost 20 lbs or so. When I came back to school, I remember all the positive reinforcement from friends, but more striking to me was that several of my friends said things to me like "I never even knew that you had issues with your weight". Seems I did such a good job of keeping my shame bottled up. Little did they know of the personal hell I was putting, and STILL put, myself through on a daily basis. The lesson I SHOULD have learned, way back when, from this, was that I was the only person paying attention to my weight, no one cared as much as I did.

"Stop alternating and start integrating". This is a very important concept and mantra to Brene' Brown (www.ordinarycourage.com) which has helped her through difficult times in her life. A few months ago, when I first found her site, I remember reading this and her post on facebook (http://www.ordinarycourage.com/my-blog/2009/2/11/brenes-home-for-wayward-girls.html) I couldn't believe what I was reading! This was exactly the situation and reactions I was having. As if I've been "found" and somehow will revert back to the feelings (of not being good enough) that I had back in high school. Add to this that my 20th reunion is next month....I plan to do a separate post on the above link as I think I really NEED to work through it!

Stop trying to be what i think everyone wants me to be, and just be me, all in one. This is really powerful for me, and also really difficult. It seems I'm always monitoring a situation to figure out what the "right" response, approach. I'm also very ingrained in "SELFISHNESS". I feel very sensitive to "will people think I am selfish?". Its so intertwined for me, I feel like if I take care of myself and my own needs, I'll be labelled as selfish....which is shameful for me, so instead I take care of others needs before mine. This of course puts me in the predicament of NOT meeting my own needs and not living AUTHENTICALLY. But as I embark on doing this work, the obstacle of Selfishness is right there presenting itself, warning me that it will NOT be acceptable to my family and friends if all of a sudden I start attending to my OWN needs. And, so the vicious cycle continues.

***Wow, the last paragraph feels very important to me, and I KNOW one that I will come back to and continue to explore. For now, I am glad I got it out there, will re-read and think on it!

Brene' also talks a good deal about Empathy and Compassion and Spirituality. This is a hard topic for me. I've never really connected to feeling of religion and spirituality. Brene' does a great job of drawing the distinction between the 2, with spirituality meaning more of a feeling that we are all connected in a higher way. This is a prerequisite for compassion vs. empathy is a skill that can be learned. I have a really hard time with "higher powers" or even "powers greater than ourselves". I have always felt that I alone am responsible for my own life, that there is no higher power which can influence things or my life. Part of this is my analytical, I have to touch, see, feel it in order for it to be real bent. I do believe I am empathic and possess this skill, but I am not sure how far I will get with being truly compassionate based on my spiritual, or lack of spiritual feelings. More to come.

So, back to the read along and this weeks, Shame.Less assignments, oops I mean invitations! Mix Tapes and Beautiful You. The creative one totally throws me for a loop, perfectionists (or at least for me) are not good artists - I need much more structure so I can know if I am "right" or "did a good job" :-) I do love the project and will need to decide if I can make time to do it now. Music is something that used to be so much more meaningful to me than it is currently. I am feeling my anxiety grow thinking of songs to list as I am nervous they will not be the "right" ones or the "best" examples that I have. I feel good about the introspective thoughts I've had today so I am going to give myself permission to postpone these assignments, for now.

PS: Does this badge work?
 

My Beginning

So, I feel compelled to provide some context, some background and some insight into what brought me here and why I am SO glad to be here. I also feel compelled not to bore everyone death with a long diatribe! In a nutshell, I am a perfectionist and control freak (aren't these just about the same thing?) care taker who, at 38, is yearning for authenticity. I've always been the successful one, the smart one, the achiever, the problem solver…and I've always carefully crafted my image so much so that I'm not really sure who the heck I am anymore? I was recently asked what my hobbies were and I chuckled at the same time had a tear in my eye - not only could I not answer the question, I really couldn't even identify what I would want my hobbies to be. Yeah, that was an "a-ha" moment for me.

For some context, I just turned 38 (birthday is 9/11), have been married for 7 years, have 2 wonderful canine children (a golden named Buddy and a german shepherd named Diva), and just recently bought a new house so my Mom could move in with us. I am well educated (Master's degree in Counseling, go figure) and grew up in a comfortable suburb of Philadelphia, have a younger sister who is completely opposite of me and we don't see eye to eye on anything. Professionally, I've worked really hard to be successful and am proud of where I am now. I work in Human Resources for one of the big Pharma companies and love the work that I do. During the day, I'm totally a corporate type (well, except for when I sneak away to pnn) but I can't wait to get home and put on my sweats and go for a walk in the park with my dogs! I tend to be very analytical and structural, organized and timely. I am a true Virgo. I also am not very spiritual, have always had a hard time with organized religion. I think some of it is not being able to "know" for myself if something is true - I tend to need to see, touch, feel something in order for it to be real to me (I'm sure this has to do with control).

About 6 months ago, I began another quest to understand myself better, figure out why I take such good care of others and tend to neglect myself. One valuable tool I have discovered so far is Geneen Roth's "When Food is Love", and then I found Brene' Brown's blog at ordinarycourage.com. Her work really speaks to me, as does the honesty and openness in the posts on her site. I ordered her book on perfectionism and shame and am in the midst of reading it - its difficult to confront the fact that perfectionism is typically a mask used to avoid judgment or shame - but I do believe this is true. I started a blog at http://authenticallyimperfect.blogspot.com/ and am working through the Read along for the book, in case anyone is intersted in joining?  I have a lot of fear around self acceptance, and what if "they" don’t like me when I'm being my "true" self, and doubt even at work "what if they figure out I don't really know as much as they think I know".

Finding PNN is feeling very special to me right now, as if I was "meant" to find it and it is here for me to reach out to, absorb myself in and learn and be part of the community. Its typically hard for me to open up to others but I do feel that this just might be a safe, trusting and nurturing place to do so. I look forward to learning more about the wonderful individuals here at PNN, and about myself in the process.

(I tried to email this post to pnn, but doesn't seem to be making it, so apologies if this posts twice!)

Day 1 Test

Just figuring this thing out, be patient I'll get it!

Welcome to PNN!

This is your blog, and this text is in what is called an article box.  In fact everything on this page are in boxes like this one.  And, everything  can be moved, edited or deleted.

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Put the cursor in the blue menu bar at the top of the box, click and  hold the mouse button, and drag it.  Let go of the mouse button to drop it where ever you want.

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